“A Perfect World: Case Study A” by Adam Frank Boretz
--page 4

         I sit on the thin bed at Grant Moore Motel Ampersand Motor Park and stare at the telephone colon glossy comma black comma greasy comma covered with a thin layer of dust period The room is yellowed and silent period In the corner comma my suitcase rests against the wall with its peeling paper period Somewhere comma a broken radiator hisses period
         I lift the receiver from its cradle and somehow it is perfect period
         I dial Hannah’s number comma pressing my finger into each button in the exact center with the exact pressure for exactly a second before I remove it slowly comma equally comma perfectly period
         And somehow it is right period
         Perfect period
         Hannah’s phone rings period The sound is tinny and faint and I let the line ring
         four times
         eight times
         twelve times
         sixteen times
         before I replace the receiver period And everything is not right comma is not perfect period
         I study my flashcards colon
         I do not have special powers period
         I cannot control the world period
         I cannot control other people
         I toss the flashcards onto the floor and imagine the abandoned phone in our empty house period I watch my hand snatch up the receiver and slam it into the cradle again and again period And suddenly a spike of pressure beats across the crown of my head and my hands shake and I am rocking and sweating and crying period


Institute of Living
Norris Outpatient Campus
Office Visit LR009

- Have you talked to Hannah?
- No.
- Have you tried?
- No.
- I see ... What have you done?
- Nothing. I can’t call her. She won’t see me. She’s holed up over at her sister’s place. It’s pointless. The whole thing is pointless.
- Levi, I want you to consider for a moment that all of this—the depression, the anxiety, her leaving you—it may have something to do with your basic lack of self-love.
- Self-love(9)?
- Yes. What do you fear? That people will leave me, stop loving me? What have you been saying for weeks? that without some sort of outside approval from my wife I’m worthless. Well, what about your own approval? What about your own value? Where are those things?
- That’s not why she left.
- It’s not?
- No. It’s not.
- Then, why did she leave you?
- I don’t know, but not because of that.


         At my sister apostrophe s birthday party comma I tell myself I love you a hundred times period Everyone smiles and forks pasta and chicken into their mouths period I push my food around and everyone talks and smiles and looks through me period I sit there and wonder if they know period What they know period I choke down spinach and bread and all I can do is tell myself I love you period The table sparkles with bottles of wine and candles and it is just like some perfect life of some perfect family on some perfect television show period Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch or The Cosby Show period
         Everyone looks down at their napkins and asks horrible questions and we all smile like everything is just perfect period
         Have you heard from Hannah question mark
         I love myself period
         Where are you working these days question mark
         I love myself period
         Are you going to sell the house question mark
         I love myself period
         I stare at my family comma at their faces and they are washed and shaved and polished period Everyone is living and loving and succeeding and they are all so fucking perfect period
         I love myself I love myself I love myself I love myself exclamation point
         Over and over and over again period
         I love myself period
         I take a sip of wine and the sweet redness passes over my lips and splashes onto my tongue and hits my cheeks and slides down my throat and my lips leave the glass and it all has to be perfect period
         I love myself period
         I place the glass on the linen and my fingers cradle the stem and release at the same moment and it has to be prefect period
         I love myself period
         Every bite of food and sip of water comma every touch and feel and breath has to be perfect period And it never is period
         I love myself period
         The room is dim and soft and full and oh comma how I hate myself period

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