“Jukebox Hero” by Erik Wennermark
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You made this mix for her. “I made this mix for her.” Like right away. “Like right away. I got home from the bar at like 2:30 and just sat down and started. It was like I was possessed. I had been thinking of songs the whole way home, before I even left the bar. Staring at her in the bar I had been thinking about the songs for this mix. Finished it off in a couple hours with a few more brewskies. I don’t know if I should give it to her, it might be a little like, early, you know. Like I don’t want to come on too strong.” This is ‘your call.’ “Chicks dig that shit though. Mixes are like, so thoughtful. Work like a charm. I’ll be in her pants in no time. “Interesting. “Like take ‘Jukebox Hero’ for example, like I’m covering all my bases with that one. You know, like kitsch. And I’m all letting on like she’s cool enough to get it you know. Like, it’s ironic and shit. And this whole mp3 craze makes it so easy! Like I could make a mix in ten minutes if I wanted to. Not saying I would do something like that, but the point is it’s conceivable. Like I could. I don’t know this chick so good though, you know, so mostly I stuck with the eighties shit we all dig regardless of the fact that like, we were dead when it came out. But, it’s cool, cause it’s like, so retro.”
Bravo. The applause is reverberating throughout the control room. A phenomenal synthesis. You will grow to become a high-ranking agent of F.A.R.M. You may not believe it now, but you will. As you learn to develop an infallible sense of ‘moral authority’ you will move beyond these relatively pedestrian, yet infinitely important, tasks. You will be decorated many times over. But do not get ahead of yourself. Egos are sublimated here. For now, just stay focused on your upcoming conversation, the means and method you have carefully developed and painstakingly scrutinized for securing the source. Bravo, bravo.
Run over her features in your mind. Concentrate on attributes other than her breasts. “She’s totally hot, I don’t know, whatever.” Her lips are the muted color of raisins, bruised and blushing. Her cheeks, soft and white, if you could only pull her to you, you could sleep forever, touching her face. Her eyes, like oceans of nectar, cool and tart. Her body is a place of infinite safety and comfort. Tell her these things, compliment her hair and shoes. But not too effusively, you don’t want to ‘come off’ as a homosexual. “Yeah, right! That would suck! When I was in high school my dickhead brother convinced my parents I was a queer. He was all like, ‘Hey Dad, did you know Gaywad waxes his chest? I bet he shaves his nuts too.’ Shit like that. Fucking dick. It was a nightmare, my mom was all concerned for my welfare, like my eternal soul and shit, and my dad just totally bugged out. Like all worried and awkward around me. He stopped talking to me about football, like sports and shit, which is really all he ever really talked about anyway so he didn’t have much to say. I was all like, ‘Derrick’s totally full of shit,’ was all, ‘I fuck bitches man,’ but they thought I was lying or like, in denial. Finally this crazy shit happened when me and some buddies went down to Mexico for spring break. I got my wallet stolen by this whore, it was totally worth it though, bitch was cray-zy! But it was kind of embarrassing, you know, I had to call my Dad and tell him what happened cause I was fuck-ass broke. And it was the funniest thing, my dad didn’t even give a shit about the money or nothing, he was just all relieved. ‘Don’t worry about it son,’ he said. ‘I’m just happy you’re not a faggot.’”
You are approaching the exit. Merge into the proper lane. Mentally prepare yourself to execute your plan. Short term, gain her trust. Concentrate on commonalities, easy conversation. Long term, break down her defenses, employ psychic warfare. ‘Knock her up’ as soon as is ‘humanly’ possible. Help her realize her futility. You are a ‘well-tuned machine,’ ‘ready for action,’ you are ‘cocked and loaded,’ ‘good to go.’ You will have a place of importance in F.A.R.M. You will be a radio talk show host, an action hero turned movie mogul. Who knows, with some influence applied in the right quarters, you could even become President of The United States of America. When you get there, the car will start easily. Just ‘pop’ the hood and ‘jiggle’ the spark plugs. She will express gratitude. Employ it. Talk to her. Ask her if she wants to ‘grab a burger.’ If she’s vegetarian, which is likely, suggest falafel.
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