“Jukebox Hero” by Erik Wennermark
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You will receive the phone call shortly. When you answer, be ‘cool,’ act like it’s ‘no big deal,’ say, ‘yeah, whatever, that’s cool.’ It is important that you not let on your inclination to immediately engage in sexual intercourse, women seem to find this a ‘turn-off.’ She may think you are ‘hard-up,’ which is not good and could ruin everything. You may not be ready. But there is little else you can do to prepare at this point. You will have to make do. To ‘wing it.’ She is calling now. The phone has begun ringing. It is underneath that T-shirt. Not that one, over there, the one with the Atari emblem. You should wear that later. It’s a good look for you. Get the phone. Remember, act casual. It is important.
You answer the phone and begin to talk. Her car has broken down. She is stranded on the side of the road. She has no idea what is wrong with the ‘damn thing.’ She was driving home from work and it just ‘died on her.’ For some reason, she was surprised herself, she thought of calling you. She was aware it was mildly strange. She hoped it wouldn’t be a great inconvenience for you to assist her. You had been on her mind since your meeting in the public house. She normally went for a ‘different type’ but ‘what the hell,’ she figured, she thought you were ‘cute.’ “Dude,” you think. “I can’t believe this chick called! She’s smokin’! Great tits. This is rad.” You are pleased. “I just met her the other night and she’s calling me when she’s all in need and shit. And I was so cool about it, all like yeah, whatever, that’s cool. Smooth.” You illustrate the concept, as it is opposed to agitation, by moving your right hand through the air in a level motion.
You will have doubts, but do not. Have only faith. “But wait, her car is fucked up. I don’t know shit about cars. Why would she call me?” Everything is as it should be. You will be provided for. Remember this. Your brother is an able mechanic. You have watched him perform repairs on your automobile before. “How hard could it be? Derrick fixes cars and he’s not like a real mechanic. I mean he’s a fucking accountant! It’s cause of Dad, Derrick’s such a kiss-ass. Dad’s into cars so he’s gotta be too.” You mull over your fraternal relationship. “He’s cool. We get along pretty well. I mean, like he’s an older brother, so of course he used to kick my ass and shit, but he looked out for me in high school. I was pretty fucked up, I mean not like Dylan Klebold, Dungeons and Dragons shit, just like I smoked pot and dropped acid or whatever. Derrick looked out for me. Made sure none of the jocks fucked with me. He wrestled, so he was like, pretty tough, and he was friends with all them anyway. But there was this one time, me and my buddy Joe were at a party, and this total meathead dude caught Joe making out with this other dude’s girlfriend, like six of them wailed on him till he was unconscious. He spent a week in the hospital. That totally sucked.”
Focus, you must find your keys.
“This place is a shithole,” you think. “I couldn’t find my ass with both hands in this place.” You remember when your mother was over a few weeks before, how she almost ‘puked’ when she went in your bathroom. You will have to do a better job at keeping house. You will have to do some serious cleaning at some point. “Dude, I gotta clean this place up. Like a real spring cleaning, wash the tub and everything.” This may, however, come later. Your primary concern now is the woman sitting broken down on the side of the road. Your keys are in the pocket of the blue jeans you wore yesterday. Get them. “That chick is fucking hot, I gotta roll! Dude, I bet I get laid.”
Do not get caught up in any hormonal nonsense or other ‘flights of fancy.’ Placing your lips on the crook of her neck appeals to you. You may like to touch her body, kiss her face and breasts. To hold her close in your arms and feel the warmth of her bare skin. These things are natural for you. They are comfortable. You will have noticed her smell and found it attractive. The perfume of her sex will undoubtedly confuse you. You must not let it. Her only goal is the subversion of the patriarchal structure in which you and your comrades thrive. She is the cow, but worse. Think to yourself: she is your enemy. The subconscious examination of your capabilities to deal with this particular adversary was less than a rousing success. But there can be no more delays. A great deal of time and expense has gone into your training.
Consider this a live drill.
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